Anger, Frustration, Fury, sorrow, pain, sensitivity.....
Few words are available to describe what I am feeling right now. And the reason for this? You.
Love is a bitch..it makes you insane, vulnerable and every little thing that can jepordize that, whether it is small and insignificant to the naked eye, or whether it is huge as hell, kills you inside. I'm not holding back in this entry, because I can't seem to say this to your face. So maybe you will read it and understand better, or maybe you will disregard it. Either way, I need to vent and get this out now, or it will slowly kill me.
I'm hurt. And why might you ask? Because of her and you. I know you have told me before that you don't like her for many reasons( most of them obvious to any person who sees her). And yet, you decided to have a lengthy conversation with her from the moment she walked in that door. I know you told me you would "ignore her if I wanted you to". But you don't seem to understand that I can't tell you to do that. I love you and would never tell you to do something that is your own personal choice. I'd never make you do something just because of my own personal reasons. That's not what love is about and I hope you know that, and I think you do. So instead I said I don't care. For that I am sorry because I lied: I do care.
I care because I know how she is like. I don't know her as well as you or your sisters. But I know that she is a strong willed person and will step on everyone to get what she wants out of life. I know the messed up things she has done based on what you have told me and what others have. And based on these facts of information, you expect me to brush it off my shoulder that she is talking with you for a long period of time ( for the second time mind you)? The first time I met her, you and her were in the kitchen alone talking for what seemed like forever. And I know what flirting is baby and I could hear it in the infliction of her voice to you that night. And you don't see anything wrong with that: maybe because you don't think of her that way or maybe because you don't care. Either way it hurts me in the end.
I'm not hurt from jealousy. I know you well enough that you wouldnt do anything deliberately to hurt me. However, what does hurt me is the fact that I am non-existent as soon as you and her talk. I hate that. I hate how I feel this way more than anything. I hate how I am overly sensitive on the subject and that I am hurt and bothered by this so much. But I can't control it..I can't help it. I love you so much that I get hurt when my boyfriend talks to another girl.
Before you judge me on this, put yourself in my shoes. Let's say BJ or Stan even was at a party of my sister's and as soon as he walked in the door, I talked with him the whole night. We had somewhat indepth conversations without acknowledging you and then we walked outside, just the two of us and talked for what seemed like hours, leaving you inside. How would that make you feel? I can only imagine how you'd feel, because I would never do that to you. I know you didn't think you were doing anything to hurt me because you wouldn't have done it. But it hurts regardless
Remember when I said I couldn't sleep well. That is because the dream I had was about you and Danielle. You were doing exactly what you did last night and I decided to actually say something to you about it, and you ended up screaming and yelling at me and then dumping me..for her. The dream proceed into this elaborated life with me and you near each other but unable to talk or communicate in any other way other than seeing each other. Overlydramatic and unlikely..maybe, but it was still vivid and hurtful nonetheless.
I'm sorry that I didn't say this to you on the phone earlier today but I rather not talk about this when I don't know how to word it. I still don't know how to word this exactly, hence this. I hate feeling like this so don't think I'm doing it for attention from you.